What if the Police Treated Murder Victims Like Pedestrians?

Given that the fourth San Diegan this year was killed by a car while walking in San Diego yesterday, the San Diego Police Department has decided it is about time to do what they can to halt this disturbing upward trend in deaths.  To avoid further deaths, SDPD issued the following tips:

Taking Steps for Pedestrian Safety 
A reminder for pedestrians and drivers 
• Cross streets at a corner, using traffic signals where available and crosswalks 
• Always look left, right, and left again before crossing a street and keep watching as you cross. Be aware that drivers have differing levels of eyesight and skill in operating motor vehicles. 
• Pedestrians should be especially careful at intersections, where drivers may fail to yield the right-of-way to pedestrians while turning onto another street 
• Make sure you are seen: Make eye contact with drivers when crossing busy streets, wear bright colors or reflective clothing if you are walking near traffic at night, carry a flashlight when walking in the dark. 
• Walk on the sidewalk 
• Walk defensively and be ready for unexpected events. Know what is going on around you and don’t allow your vision to be blocked by clothing, hats or items you are carrying. 
• Watch the pedestrian signals, not the traffic signal and follow the “walk/don’t walk” lights. 
• Watch out for parked vehicles. Parking lots can be dangerous 
• Avoid alcohol and drugs as they can impair your ability to walk safely 
• When crossing, use all of your senses and don’t use your cell phone for calls and texting 
• Use particular caution when crossing driveways and alley entrances. Drivers may not expect you to be there or see you 
• Adults should supervise children when crossing streets or walking in parking lots. Smaller children may be difficult for drivers to see and young children may not be able to judge whether it is safe to cross 
• Walk dogs on short leashes 
• MOTORISTS NEED TO BE VIGILANT OF PEDESTRIANS AND PEDESTRIANS NEED TO BE VIGILANT OF MOTORISTS. Although motorists have more responsibility under the law when operating a motor vehicle on city streets, pedestrians have more at stake 
Whatever means of transportation, please travel safely.

Because obviously, when one group of people is killing the other, the best police tactic is to blame the victim.  Luckily, SDPD has decided to take the same approach to murder in the City.  Below is a dispatch from SDPD:

CITIZENS:  Recently, the fourth San Diego resident was murdered this month.  Shortly after the shooting, the murdered told us that he just didn't see his victim until the last minute and was so tired after working a long day at work that he couldn't suppress his anger.   Makes sense, so we let him go. To help avoid more murders, SDPD offers the following advice. If everyone can follow these easy tips, no one will get murdered and life will be great in San Diego.

Taking Steps to Not Get Murdered

  • MURDERERS NEED TO BE VIGILANT OF CITIZENS AND CITIZENS NEED TO BE VIGILANT OF MURDERERS.  Although murderers have more responsibility under the law, citizens have more at stake.
  • Only walk during the day, as murderers tend to come out at night.
  • Be especially careful walking during the day, because murderers will know you have your guard down.
  • Small children won't be able to recognize murderers, so it's best to leave them inside until they turn 18.  But if you're elderly, you're also probably not fast enough and can't see far enough to avoid murderers.  If you are elderly and venture outside, you're basically asking to be shot.
  • While living your life, focus solely on not getting murdered.  Don't eat or drink, talk on a phone, listen to music, talk to friends, or do anything that will impair your ability to see a murderer.
  • Live defensively and be ready for unexpected events.  Murderers can come from anywhere, so don't do anything that may block your vision.  Don't wear clothes, hats, or carry anything.
  • Make sure you are not seen.  Wear camouflage, avoid eye contact, dart between bushes and large objects.
  • Every now and then, we will flash signs when it looks like the coast is clear.  But this is also the most likely time you'll get murdered, because it's easy to pick off unsuspecting prey.
  • Always look left, right, and left again before leaving the house.  Be aware that murderers have different anger levels before they snap, so you can't trust them not to shoot you even if you are nice.
  • Watch out for people with guns, knives, and clubs.  But also be vigilant for people with none of these things, because they might be concealing their weapons.  Concealed weapons are especially dangerous because you don't see it coming.
  • Use particular caution when outside a building.  Murderers will not expect to see you there and may get trigger happy.
  • if you fail to do any of these things, be ready for the newspapers to say, "Sure, Jane got murdered, but it was her fault for trying to walk during the day and not wear camouflage."  Also, SDPD will assume you were asking for it if you don't follow our tips.  We really wish there was something we could do to protect citizens against murder and prosecute murderers, but murder is just a fact of life, ya know?
  • Maybe the best bet is to just stay inside your house and not get murdered.  Unless a family member is a murderer.  I guess there is nothing to be done.  Sorry!